Utah Oddities

I am running out of swearwords! So I am adding Utah Oddities to my blog. Any suggestions for both is much appreciated! Also, I know several people have told me that they cannot post comments on the blog. I hope I corrected that! If you can't post a comment, email me at jpicard@juno.com. Or call and let me know! Thanks people!!

Rock Bottom

Bottom (MSW) - butt, bottom, backside. Some may say a**.

Life is fun, isn't it? It's a roller coaster filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. And sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying. I woke up early yesterday to take the two oldest kids, Macaroni and Apple to school. 6:50 am. Yuck!

I drove down the road and put on my turn signal and then drove right past the road I was supposed to turn on. Yep, I looked at the road, and drove right on thru. Why, you may ask? My brakes didn't work! I pushed on the brakes and nothing. Pushed on them harder and still nothing. And drove right on past my turn. Nothing like a game on chance on the way to school! Finally, they kicked in. I got the kids to school and back luckily. See, life is fun! It was like a game getting to school. Hmm....are we going to drop you off here or down the road?! Let's let the brakes decide! You just have to laugh!

I can look at the bright side of things usually. Especially this time. Because today our family is headed to St. George for the weekend. We leave tonight. What if this had happened on the freeway? In the canyon that we drive thru? Scary! Someone is definitely looking out for us. See, life is good. Just a couple hundred dollars of car trouble. It's not rock bottom!

What have I done?!

Hassle (MSW) - my daughter said this is the word she uses when she wants to swear at someone.  It sounds naughty if you just hear it said in passing.

I made a huge mistake. No, having children was not the mistake.  (At least today!)  But the attitude of the kids is all my fault.  You see, my wit and sarcastic perspective has passed on to the two oldest.  I am horrified!  Yesterday Apple was messing with the dogs.  She said, "Rufus, you're such a hassle!"  I looked at her and said "What did you say?!"  I thought she said something else.  Let's just say that I didn't hear the word hassle, I thought it was something else.  She said that is her new favorite word cause it sounded naughty. 

Help, I created a monster!

The Dog

Fetch (MSW) - no, not fetch, like go get it doggie.  This is a common Mormon swearword in Utah.  I think it's supposed to be the queen mother swearword for Mormon's.

You remember how I told you about my dogs?  Well, I think something is wrong with my older dog.

Patches

A couple months ago, my dog started acting weird.  This little puppy (the dog is 11 yrs old) sleeps next to our bed on his "bed."  This "bed" is one that he stole from his doggie cousin, Jake.  When Jake comes to visit, Patches won't let him use his bed.  It must be an alpha male thing.  So, last time Jake was here, my sister, Rocky Mountain High, gave my dog Jake's bed.  Anyway, back to the story.

At 2 am one morning, he sat next to the bed and started to whine at me.  I woke up to this black head staring at me.  Scared the snot out of me!  I figured he needed to go out, so I woke up and let him out.  I let him back in a few minutes later and tried to go back to bed.  Again, he sat there staring at me and letting out some soft cries.  "Lassie, did Timmie fall down the well?!"  That's all I could think of.  What the heck was wrong?  I let him out again and checked the house, etc.  Nothing was wrong.  He just kept doing that.  You know what he wanted?  To sleep up on the bed with me and Oscar.  Not going to happen!

The next morning, after Oscar left for work, the dog jumped on the bed and took Oscar's "spot."  He usually does go up on the bed after Oscar leaves, but just on the end of the bed.  This time, he was on the bed, laying his head on Oscar's pillow.  The whole nine yards.  I think the dog thinks he's a human.  He has been very needy lately.  Anytime I sit down, he sits next to me on the floor and uses his nose to hit my hand.  He wants me to pet him.  All the time.  Constant attention!  "I will love him and pet him and name him George."  (name that movie/cartoon!)  He's becoming worse than the kids!

Ah, fetch!

This stinks!

Stinks (MSW) - sucks or anything else you can think of.

On Monday it was so hot I used the air conditioning.  Yesterday it was so cold I turned on the heat.  We went from 80-90 degree days to 50 degree days.  It STINKS!  There is something so wrong about using the heater and the air conditioner in the same week.  Wrong I tell you!

Depression is a .....

Mother Hugger (MSW) - this could be the queen mother swearword.  I heard it this morning on the radio and it was a little naughty and very sarcastic, so it brightened my day!

Let me tell you a little about myself.  I was born a poor black child....(name that movie!).  Ok, not really.  I was born into a middle class American family whom I love dearly.  We all inherit things from the generations before us.  I inherited my fair skin and blonde hair from Mr. Incredible.  My sense of humor from Mommy Dearest.  And my severe depression from someone along the line.  Yep, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was diagnosed with severe depression. 

Shortly after Apple was born, my doctor looked at me and said, "It sounds like your depressed."  I looked at her like she was nuts and didn't think about it again.  Until one day, I cried because the TV broke.  The dumbest reason to cry.  I had a fender bender that morning (there wasn't any damage at all, so no big deal).  The TV broke that night and I cried for 2 days.  I went back to the doctor for some tests.  They have a score sheet on the tests with 20 being moderately depressed.  It goes up to 100 I think.  I scored an 80.  Hmm....maybe there was a problem.

The week started out great, the weather was beautiful.  In the 80's with plenty of sunshine.  Then 2 days ago, it got cloudy and windy.  This morning it was 50 and rainy.  That just doesn't help my depression!  I am also extremely hormonal, so another strike against me.  The final strike is my sister, Kiwi Chick, and her daughter are visiting my parents.  I want to visit them!  Cue the tears!!

But, I'm not going to start a pity party.  To "restart" my attitude, today I will do some service.  That is the best cure when you're depressed.  I will make my pork roast and mashed potatoes for my dinner group.  Nothing like a little comfort food to help with depression (a big no-no!).  Then I will serve my family by defrosting my freezer in the basement.  This, along with my medicine, B-12 shots and vitamin D will keep the wallowing at bay.

Depression can totally suck, but lets face it, that's life.  Life is hard.  Get over it!  We all have our struggles, whether it's physically, mentally, emotionally or financially.  We learn to deal with them and move on.  I deal with my depression and do pretty well. 

Even this morning, life was looking up.  I had a piece of lemon crumb cake.  I was not drowning my sorrows with food!  No!  The lemon-y goodness brightens my palette, therefore brightening my mood, my thoughts, my soul, my....yea, even I don't believe that.  I couldn't write that with a straight face!  I will be better!  I promise!

Introducing.....

*sigh* (MSW) - this is a physical swearword.  the physical act of sighing.  this is the favorite "swearword" of my father.

I want to introduce you to my Dad, Mr. Incredible.  I named him so for many reasons.  First of all, he is the most incredible man I know.  The fact that he put up with me for so many years is an incredible feat of itself!

Growing up, he never really swore a lot.  He would when he was telling a joke or a story.  But overall, not a man of many words.  But if he would sigh, he was upset.  You knew he was angry if he let out a sigh.  If he did it twice, just get out of his way.  Run, children, run away!  He never yelled or got angry.  He would just sigh.  It takes a strong and courageous man to never yell.  He was always calm, cool and collected.  He would just sigh.  So, to me, he is incredible.

As a child, I sang constantly.  In the car, at the table, watching TV, I sang.  I sang in my room, outside, and on vacations.  The poor guy never got away from it!  Yet, he never screamed "SHUT UP!!"  And let's face it, he should have.  I totally deserved it.  My daughter, Whine, is just like me.  She just talks constantly.  I will often just say "be quiet, you're driving me nuts!"

So my dad is Mr. Incredible.  He took care of us and put up with us.  He worked hard to provide our family with the things he didn't have.  And he didn't stop when we left and got a home of our own.   A few months ago, I called my parents during the day.  When I called them, they were looking through a catalog of kitchen supplies.  My mom saw some pots and pans and said, "Big Bird's pots and pans are awful."   She said that, just making a comment and didn't think twice about it. Then I called.  About 15 minutes into the phone call, my mom, Mommy Dearest, gasped and said, "You didn't!"  I asked what she was talking about.  Mr. Incredible, while we were talking, ordered the set of pans and had them delivered to my house.  Still taking care of me when I'm 40ish years old!  Mr. Incredible indeed!

I love you dad!  You're the best ever!

Left to right:  Uncle Awesome, my brother and sister-in-law (I have to think of names for them) and Mr. Incredible