Friday, September 14, 2012

Homecoming

Utah Oddity - Dating, specifically asking someone to a dance.

School started so that means the lovely tradition of Homecoming is upon us.  Now, in Utah, you don't just ask someone to go to a big dance.  No, that would be normal, easy, etc.   No, instead you have to ask someone with signs, cute ideas, etc....

I can't tell a lie........I think it's awesome.  It's so nice to go all out to ask someone to a dance.  And these kids get so creative!  My son's friend had his picture put on a billboard with the the girls name and the work "Homecoming?"  Holy cow.....he went all out!  Of course, the kids dad works for the billboard company.

My son made a poster with fishing line attached.......
It says...."I'd hate to leave you fishing...."
She had to follow the fishing line around her yard, in the dark to see the question.....
This says...."But you'd like up my world if you went to Homecoming with  me"   
He put glow sticks and LED ballons by the sign and used some of the glow sticks to write his name.  Isn't it cute?

The next day this appeared on my (and my son's) car......
this one says...."Out of all the fish in the sea, I'm so glad that you caught me!   So reel me in and we'll take a spin, This is  where the fun begins!"
Cute, right?!  Actually, here's the really cute part!!

Adorable fish!  Yep, only in Utah.....I love it!!



Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Captors

POW (continued)

I forgot to mention that I did get pictures of the people that held me hostage all summer.  Hopefully, they will be found and put in jail for the brutal treatment of me.  But I think payback is better!

Whine - one of the cronies
Cheese - another captor (in the white shirt)
Macaroni and Apple.  Before you ask, I'll just tell you.  Yes, she is a handful!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

POW experience

POW - Prisoner of Whippersnappers

I've been held hostage over the last several months.  It's been brutal.  The torture, the pain and horror have been unbearable.  It's been 104 days.....pure h - e - double hockey sticks.

Mine is a tale of unimaginable human endurance.  You see, one day this 6 foot man came into my house.  He started talking loudly and rudely.  He would say things like "NO!" and "You're not my mother!"  He would demand things, like food, shelter and entertainment.  He wanted games to play on this thing called an XBox.  He wouldn't leave!  He was here both day and night.  He would occasionally go out for a few hours, but always, he would return.

His partner, a woman, came along with the tall man.  5 foot 6 inches.  Pretty when she wasn't frowning.  She, too, demanded things, like food, clothing and constant driving to and from events.  She made faces and tortured me by not speaking or just giving me dirty looks.

They had 2 other cronies.  Both smaller, but just as demanding.  These two complained a lot.  Their form of torture including fighting amongst each other.  They always had to involve me in some way with this fighting.  It was as if they wanted someone to referee the battles.  They also fought the time-old feud against apathy but to no avail.  Apathy and indifference prevailed.

The days turned into weeks.  The weeks, months.  I was let out a few times for exercise but I was always escorted by one of my captors.  Always under a constant pursuit for needed items.

The place where I was kept was similar to my home, but in much worse shape.  The filth and stench were overwhelming.  Food left on counters, wrappers from candy or chips left out in the open.  Towels, clothes and shoes all strewn about.  Dishes left out for days gathering mold.  The barbarity of the home was insane.  It took all my will to not vomit from the horror.

I tried to escape.  Several times.  The jungle outside proved too much for me.  I was weak from starvation and overcome by the overgrown grasses.  Eventually, I knew that the wild animals would overtake me within minutes.  I had to go back to survive.

And I did, survive that is.  Barely.  I was rescued today by a wise but antiquated system called school.  


Friday, May 25, 2012

More to come!

I have so much to share since our vacation, but there isn't enough time!  So for now, this will have to do.  Hopefully you know the song it is spoofing!


Monday, May 7, 2012

Say Cheese!

Rassle Frat (MSW) - I think this may be another cartoon swearword.

Cheese turned 12 years old at the end of April.  I love this kid.  He is so kind, sweet and sensitive.  He was born 2 1/2 weeks early as well.  How's that for awesome?!  Almost every morning he wakes up and comes in my room to give me a hug and tell me he loves me.  Such a sweetheart!

He sure is growing up and with that, he is testing the boundaries.  Where do I begin?  Hmmm......let's start at church a few weeks ago.  When a boy turns 12 in the Church of Latter-day Saints, he is presented in front of the ward (parish for you catholics) for a sustaining vote.  He is going to be given the priesthood.  The priesthood is given to all worthy male members.  So my handsome 12 year old is in front of our whole church.  Making faces!  Stupid faces, in front of the whole congregation.  I don't know whether to give him the evil eye from our seats or beat him up when he is home.  So instead, I start busting up laughing.  The whole thing takes about a minute or two.  Afterwards he comes and sits with us again.  He came down, said to his older sister, Apple, "You owe me a dollar!"  Apple bet him money to do it!  Little stinker children!

Now that he is 12, he is also an official Boy Scout.  They are working on the bicycling merit badge.  It's not easy!  The other day they went on a 15 mile bike ride.  He told me a little about the ride.  Please imagine the following being said by an extremely excited 12 year old "Mom, he were riding down this big "S" curve!"  Say the last three words really fast.  It sounds like he said big a## curve.  Again, should I scold him?  Nope, I just laughed.  I couldn't help it!  You would too!

The other day we had our stake conference.  This is like several different parishes coming together for a meeting.  We had 2 general authorities of the church come to speak with us.  A general authority is like have the one of the Pope's right hand man coming to speak to you.  One of the men, L. Tom Perry spoke to us.  That is like the guy who is next in line to be the Pope come.  It's a big deal.  This man is a leader to millions of Mormon's across the world.  My 12 year old met him in the hallway before the meeting.  He shook his hand.  With a giant ring pop in his mouth!  I am horrified!  If you met the president of the United States, or even some ambassador for another country, would you shake his/her hand with a ring pop in your mouth?  Heck, I wouldn't meet the mayor of some small hick town with a ring pop in my mouth!  Rassle Frat....kids are great!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Various Forms of Torture

!!@#%&* (MSW) - this is cartoon swearing.

I had a very special experience yesterday.  By "special," I mean horrible.  Terrible.  Painful.  You name the adjective, it was that.  The sad thing is, I was so looking forward to it!

What was the experience?  I went to a personal trainer.  Where I work, they have gym available to all the employees.  Along with the gym, you can sign up for personal training.  It is all paid for by the company.  How's that for awesome benefits?!  Well, almost 5 years after I started working, I figured I could use some help keeping on track with my exercise and diet.  So I signed up for the initial fitness assessment.  I was so excited.  I mean, people pay tons of money for something like this.  And I'm getting it for free!

It started out great.  Weight, height.  Lunges, push-ups and some weight training.  Then they had me see what distance I would run in 10 minutes with 5 minutes of warm up and cool down.  Nothing too hard, but it got my blood pumping and me sweating.  Great workout!

Then the trainer said, OK, lets roll you out.  I've seen others do this with the trainers.   It looks like a great massage.  They have you roll on a dense foam "pillow."  She wanted to see what muscles were tight.  The trainer had me start on my calves.  Put the "pillow" under your ankle on the right leg and take you left leg and cross it over.  So you're only working one leg at a time.  Easy peasy!

Holy cow, it hurt.  I didn't think I was so tight.  Then they had me do my backside (butt!).  Not bad at all.  So contrary to popular opinion, I'm not a tight a**!  Then my thighs.  A little bit of pain, but not nearly as bad as my calves.  Then for the killer, my hips.  Holy crap, pain!  So much pain!  Too make it worse, the trainer said, I'll roll you out on those areas.  This involves a long flexible rolling pin of sorts.  The trainer rolls that over your muscles for you.  I thought, great, a massage!  This is the best thing ever!

So NOT a massage!  Pain.  Intense pain.  Holy cow, I almost started crying.  Misery, aches and  shooting spasms up my legs!  That was just my calves.  She was going to "roll out" my hips as well.  Aagh!

I gave birth to 2 of my kids without drugs.  I am tough.  I am no wimp.  My age must have changed that status.  This was not a slight discomfort or small twinge.  It was TORTURE!!  Holy !!@#%&*!!!

I couldn't sleep last night.  My legs and hip hurt.  I'm so sore this morning too.  The sad thing, I'm doing this again in a few days!  And again next week!  I am nuts!!  To add salt to my wound, I have an appointment with my DTD (Down There Doctor) today as well!  !!@#%&*

Monday, April 16, 2012

Spring?!

Utah Oddity - The Weather

I know what you're thinking!  The weather is odd everywhere.  True, it is.  But I swear it's weirder than normal here.  

If you don't like the weather now.....wait five minutes!

For instance, a few weeks ago I went to see my son at his track meet.  It was 80 outside and beautiful. I even got sunburned.  A day later, yes, JUST a day later, it snowed.  What in the world is up with that?!  How can the weather change so dramatically in 24 hours.  It doesn't make sense.  From 80 degrees to 32 degrees.  Drives me crazy!

I know that the mountains make a difference here.  I can stay at my home at 4000 ft of elevation and travel 1/2 hour and be at 8000 ft elevation and the weather will be different.  But I'm not doing that!  The track meet was in the next city over!!

“Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.” 

I like the weather in Utah usually.  It just the crazy spring and fall over the past several years that is freaky.  We go from 30-40 degree weather to 70-80 degree weather.  I swear nothing in between.  What about the 60ish weather.  I love sweatshirts and spring jackets.  But I don't ever get to wear them.  Of course, at night it get's down in the 60's on a hot day.  But it's not the same!  I want my spring and fall back!!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Happy Day!

Drat!  (MSW) - you can use any expletive you want!

It's a happy day here!  Why?  Well, Easter is over, so spring break is over and the kids are back in school.  Really, what could be better!!  Yeah!

Easter is becoming another holiday I dread.  No presents but the kids are home and hyped up on sugar.  What happens?!  Well they start fighting and go from sugar highs to sugar lows.  That, combined with  a lack of sleep, makes crabby children and a crabby mommy.

Sugar makes my kids rude.  Not only to each other, but to ME!  The one that gave them life!  The one that went thru labor!  With no drugs!  I was going to get my daughters nice Easter dresses.  But decided that the way they were treating me and each other, they didn't deserve it.  I hope that teaches them a lesson.  It did, at least for 24 hours.  Let's see if it will stick with them!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Heavenly Father makes your kids cute, so you won't beat them!  I think we are just better behaved when we have a more set schedule.  They say kids like routine and schedules.  It works better for them.  Unfortunately, I'm more of a laid back, easy going, free for all, kind of girl which makes schedules a little hard.  But I'm learning.  I'm getting better every day!

I figure I'll have it down to a science when my youngest is out of the house.  Sounds about right, hey?  Life....ain't it great!

Friday, March 30, 2012

Tribal Council

Fiddlesticks (MSW) - this can be any swearword you would like.

You know how I mentioned that my kids are out of school, "off track."  It's been almost 2 weeks.  Only 1 week left.  I don't know if I'll make it.  On Monday, there was so much fighting among the tribe that I just about screamed at the top of my lungs and ran away.  This morning, not as much, but enough to give me a huge headache.  And it's only 8:15 am.

I wish the tribe would speak up and vote ME out!  I wish I could vote THEM out!  Help!!


FAMILY - it's about love.  Patience is more like it!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Adventure!

I am too tired to think of a swear word today.  Why?  Because I'm an idiot.  I thought it would be fun to take the kids to the midnight showing of the "Hunger Games."  It sure sounded like fun.  And when I say kids, I meant all the kids, including the 8 year old.  Does that make me a good mom?  Or a bad mom?  I'm thinking just a stupid mom.  It was fun though!  The movie was good.  Nothing like a midnight movie with popcorn, candy and drinks!

But we didn't get home until after 3am.  3am!  I used to do that on a regular basis in college.  Stay out till 2 or 3 in the morning.  Then get up and go to class at 8.  (Or skip class!) Apparently, I'm not 20 years old anymore.  The reality of that just plain sucks.  I woke up the next day at 9.  The two youngest kids are "off track," so no school for them until after Easter.  We are all wiped out!  I did get a nap in yesterday as well, but I think it made it worse.  Sleep.......I miss you!

You would think that was my adventure.  But the adventure happened with a different member of the household.  Since Whine and Cheese are home from school for the next few weeks, they are always saying they are bored.  Whine decided to have a friend over while I was working.  Since I work at home, it wasn't a big deal.  Well, they decided to play with Squirt, the hamster.  They made it a new house with a shoe box and toilet paper tubes.  It was really cute too!  They put the hamster in the tubes and watched it run around.  Entertained them for some time as well.  Always a good thing!

But that was the beginning of the adventure.  Since it was a home-made house of fun for the hamster, it got out.  Nothing like a small rodent running around in the house.  It ran under the stove. I didn't want to move the stove though and figured it would come out soon enough.  We put some food and water next to the stove and figured he would come out soon.

We saw him the next day.  As soon as we tried to catch him, he again ended up under the stove.  Another day went past.  I figured he was a goner.  But last night the kids caught sight of him downstairs.   How he went from the upstairs kitchen to our basement family room is beyond me!  Of course, he was too fast for us.  He ran into our small storage room.  Apple devised a plan!  She put his cage by the door to block the exit.  Then she took one of the tubes from his real house by the only spot left the cage didn't block.  Lo and behold, the hamster is back in the cage this morning!  What an adventure he must have had!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Taking Offense

Utah Oddity - taking offense

I love Utah.  The mountains, the weather, the people.  It's great.  But people are funny.  I'm sure it is not just in Utah.  People get offended quite often here.   I don't get offended easily.  So I don't understand that.

If my neighbor doesn't wave at me as I pass by, it doesn't bug me.  Why should it?  Maybe she was yelling at the kids in the back seat.  Maybe she is trying to remember the stuff on her grocery list.  I don't care.  Others do care.  They get offended by this.

I think we need to remember that we are all human.  We all have issues and troubles.  If I don't wave at you, it's because I'm thinking about something else.  It's not because I don't like you or I'm mad at you.  Most likely it's because I'm pretty goofy and I'm not paying attention like I should.

Like I said, I don't understand why people are always offended by others.  I just don't get offended by much.  I would love to say it's because I am wise and smart.  But I'm not!  The funny thing is, someone will take offense at this blog post as well.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Drama at the OK Corral

Oh my sin! (MSW) - another term for oh h-e-double hockey sticks.

We had a bit of drama at our house the other day.  We always have some drama because, let's face it, it's a house with 3 girls, 2 of which are hormonal.  The 3rd girl, though only 8 years old, is the worst!  But this amount of drama is very rare in our home.  Where do I begin?

It started with Apple.  She had a doctor's appointment on Monday for the dermatologist.  She has several very small cysts on her face.  They kind of look like acne, but they don't go away.  I thought maybe they were warts of something.  But luckily it wasn't that!  This was our second visit for them.  Last time they gave her some special injection into the cyst to make them disappear.  It worked for all of them but one.   So we went back in.  They decided to surgically remove the cyst in an easy office procedure.  They numbed the area and cut the thing out.  It was kind of cool actually.  I guess I missed my calling to be a doctor!  This wasn't too dramatic.  She did great and home we went.

Apple, who is 15, decided when we got home that her and her friend would take the dogs (Patches and Rufus) for a walk.  Off they went!  I didn't think twice about it.  About a 1/2 hour later, I was talking with my sister in law who lives 5 houses down the road.  She looked outside and saw Apple crying and thought I better get down there.  Crying wasn't exactly what she was doing.  Bawling or sobbing would the correct term.  A tad bit hysterical possibly.  But for good reason.

While out on the walk, a large dog, about 105 lbs, got out of his yard and attacked my 15 lb puggle, Rufus.  The dog picked up Rufus, from the back hind quarters, and shook him like a rag doll.  The dogs were on a leash, so there was no reason for this dog to do it.  But the dog must have seen them, got out of his house somehow, and decided it was his territory.

Apple was very brave.  She kicked the dog several times.  Our bigger dog, Patches, attacked the dog and got him to let Rufus go.  Once Rufus was loose, Apple grabbed him and started to run away.  Patches had to be pried loose and her friend grabbed him and started running as well.  It is lucky that the dog didn't hurt them or chase after them.  There were several 5 and 6 year old kids there too.  Luckily the dog didn't attack them.

I ran down there to see her crying and carrying the dog.  Blood was on her coat.  Her and her friend were so upset.  Can you blame them?  Meanwhile, my younger kids saw me running down the street and followed me.  They saw the blood and started bawling.  So, I'm in the middle of the street with 3 of my kids crying on the verge of hysteria.  Oscar came out of the house along with Macaroni to see what was up.

Macaroni heard the story, grabbed the scooter, and took off  down the road where the dog attacked ours.  I think his plan was to beat the living snot out of the dog with the scooter.  I can't be too sure, but from the look on his face, I gather that was his intention.  Luckily the "big bad dog" was brought in the house by his owners.  Oscar meanwhile took the whining dog and went home to wash him off.  After about 45 minutes the crying and drama calmed down.

While Oscar cleaned up the dog, I went and talked to the owners of the big bad dog.  They felt awful and expressed that the dog never had done anything like it.  I don't know if I believed them or not, but their heart was in the right place.  They were concerned for the dogs and the girls.

We thought Rufus was OK at first.  He was sore and upset, but we couldn't see him bleeding anymore.  Until the next day.  I woke up and saw blood on the floor and could see where the bite marks were bleeding.  Into the vet we went!  $250 later, along with 4 different medicines, Rufus is on the mend!

Poor dog.  Not very fun.  He slept most of the day yesterday, but seems a little more like his obnoxious pita self today.  Oh the joys of pets!

Monday, February 27, 2012

I love my teenagers!

Blickity, blickity blue (MSW) - this is another one I use when I'm frustrated.  Use any naughty word of your choice as a substitute.

I love my teenager.  Macaroni.  I love him.  This, however, is not a statement.  This is a reminder.

The other day, my lovely teen left for a basketball game.  In my car.  In a hurry.  And not paying attention.  His first accident occurred.  The basketball hoop and the side view mirror were casualties in the crime.  The basketball hoop survived with no scratches or harm.  My side view mirror, not so much.  It is holding on by a thread.  Not really a thread, some wire.  And now, when I go anywhere, the mirror bangs against the car.  It is more than just annoying.  Hence, the reminder, I love my teenager.

I will have to take the car in to get it fixed.  Macaroni is not too happy that he will have to pay for it.  But that is the curse of a teenager!  Get a freaking job so you can pay for the damage to the car!!

This reminds me of a story that I heard of years ago.  It is one of those stories that teaches a lesson.  The story is short and sweet and goes like this.  Never, I mean NEVER, talk about what you will do with unexpected money.  You know, like a tax return, a bonus, an inheritance.  Never talk about it in front of appliances, in your house or in your car.  You see, the fridge, the TV, the roof and the car, they hear everything.  They have ears and totally have it out for you.  For when you talk about the money in front of it (them), they will break.  And break your heart because the money will be gone!

We got our tax return the other day.  We must have talked about it in the car.  Blickity, Blickity blue!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Ultrasound on the twins!!

Shiz (MSW) - Another term for a sh**.

This was my facebook status a couple days ago.  I am so evil.  I wanted to see how many people would think I was knocked up.  I'm not by the way.  I just like to stir up trouble.

But I did have an ultrasound.  On the twins, the girls, the huge tracks of land, the bodacious ta-ta's, the boobs.  I've been getting mammograms since I was 35 because of my family history.  Last year was the first year I was called back in after my mammogram.

When you get a call from the doctor's office saying there was something suspicious on the mammogram, you get a little nervous.  Of course, you think the worst  --  I have cancer and I'm dying.  But I'm here to tell you, don't stress!  I knew my family history of breast cancer, so I knew it was a possibility.  But I also know that they are so careful about the tests.  If they see anything strange, they want you to come back and get an ultrasound. The worst is, they call and ask you to come in within the next day or two!  Stress!

This year, again, I was called in because I was suspicious.  I knew it was probably the same thing.  But I thought I would make everyone laugh, so I put that on my facebook page.

I didn't have to worry!  They found several cysts in both of the "girls."  Mommy Dearest hates that term, the girls, the twins, etc...  Sorry Mom, it had to be said!  Anyway, they found several cysts.  Some literally were twins, like on top of each other.  How's that for irony!  All are benign and non-cancerous.  The curse of my big boobs!

I am obnoxious though.  When the doctor, a man, came in to double check the ultrasound techs findings, I said to him, "I usually get dinner and movie before anyone checks on the girls!"  Yep, I'm a little naughty.  He did laugh though.  He said a good sense of humor is great when people come in.  Most are too uptight!

All is good!  But get your mammograms!  They save lives!!