Rats!!

Rats!  (MSW) - you can use the expletive of your choice!

I've told you about the changing weather here in Utah.  It's getting cold.  Fall/winter weather is here.  What does that mean?  Well, it means the ski slopes are open for business.  But it also means that critters of all kinds are attracted to the warmth and comfort of the indoors.  Luckily, the ear wigs are no longer alive, so I don't have to worry about them.  It's critters of another kind that we have to worry about.

When it gets cold, I have a hard time staying warm.  The thing that works the best is a hot bath.  I have a huge jetted tub too.  I fill it up with bubbles and sit in there until I get "prune-like."  The other night, I decided I was freezing and went to fill up the tub.  The problem?  Someone else was using it.  Namely, a spider.  I know what you're thinking.....it's just a spider, get over it!  This wasn't a little spider like the ones we would get in Wisconsin.  This was about the size of a quarter.  To me, that is huge.  I hate spiders!!!!  I gave the spider a large bath and he/she washed down the drain.  Yucky! 

After Halloween, we noticed something else.  My son thought he saw something in the pantry.  He swore he did.  To make sure, we put up a trap.  Sure enough, a little mouse was caught!  Apple named the critter Maggie and was horrified that we had trapped it.  I told her my policy of co-habitation.  Only people and a few dogs are allowed to live with us.  Anything other than that is out of here!  I will kill critters if they try living off of me and my house!  I've never had a mouse in the house before.  I'm now paranoid.  I thought my house was clean!  I thought I was a good housekeeper! 

Did I mention that we are having a party here tomorrow night for 40 people?  Rats!  I sure hope it's the end of critter issues! 

Utah....We're so Vain!

Utah Oddity - Vanity

I will get to the Utah Oddity in a moment.  First I thought I would catch up on the happenings of the week.  As usual, life has been crazy.  Last week started off with a bang.  We had dinner with our friends who, for the past 3 years, were serving as Mission Presidents in Japan.  They invited us over for a Japanese feast.  It was delicious! 

Unfortunately, things went downhill from there.  Whine (Prairie Dawn) woke up last week throwing up.  So I spent the day cleaning up.  Nothing like washing everything in her room to make sure it's clean.  Not fun.  A few days later, Macaroni (Beaker) was sick.  Luckily, his is more of a flu/cold issue.  Not a stomach flu/vomiting thing.  Needless to say, I didn't get much done as far as house and life goes.  I hate those kind of weeks.  But things are looking up, so I can't complain.  Well,  let me put it this way, I CAN complain, but I WON'T!

On to the Utah Oddity!  Year's ago, I was watching a TV show about the 7 deadly sins.  You know what I'm talking about right?  The Cardinal Sins - wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and gluttony.    Each sin was assigned a city.  Basically, each city was the "capital" for that sin.  Salt Lake City was #1 for pride or vanity.  I was shocked!  But then, I heard the research.  It was bad!  SLC has the most plastic surgeons per capita.  There are more plastic surgeons here per person than Los Angeles. 

I started thinking about it.  How many people did I know that had plastic surgery?  All of a sudden, I figured out that I knew a ton of people who have had plastic surgery.  Wow, I was shocked.  Out of about 10 neighbors surrounding me, about 3 or 4 have had "work done."  That's 30-40%.  That's pretty high!  If you count Lasik eye surgery, it would increase a ton!  (I don't include that though, since I had Lasik done and I am so not vain!  Let me rephrase that, I do WANT to be vain, but I can't afford to be!)  Now, if you include my friends and neighbors who WANT work done, the numbers would be outrageous!

Don't get me wrong.  I don't think there is anything wrong with plastic surgery.  Whatever turns your crank is my opinion on the subject.  Utah, we are SO VAIN!  That song was written about us!  (Name that song!)

Muppet Identity Crisis

HiHo Kermit the Frog here....
I thought you might like a view from the other side of this blog -- the Oscar point of view. What follows is how I compare our family to the Muppets.
I opened the blog with Kermit because I am not an "Oscar the Grouch" (as has been implied by the jewel of our relationship - "Big Bird"). I am much more similar to Kermit the Frog. I am much less hairier than Oscar. Kermit doesn't have hair on his head and neither do I. Kermit has a funny, off-the-wall sense of humor and so do I. Kermit is the kind of guy that likes to think he is in charge and does a pretty good job at it but often times gets overruled by those around him. He takes it all in stride but sometimes plays the "victim card" for sympathy.  I do that too. It isn't easy being green.

Big Bird is my wife and primary artistic director of this blog.  I know I know, some people say that the character Big Bird is a male, but the voice of the character is actually played by a woman, so there you have it; Big Bird is a woman and is quite the chick I might add. I actually think that Miss Piggy is more appropriate for my wife.  Now,  wait a minute... Don't get me wrong here... I will explain... Miss Piggy has beautiful blond hair, so does my wife. Miss Piggy is a strong willed character who knows exactly what she wants, so does my wife. Miss Piggy absolutely adores Kermit. So does my wife. Miss Piggy weighs more than Kermit. So does my wife (not a slam to my wife, she already mentioned this in a previous blog so I am merely quoting...). Side note: Kermit is really skinny but I am NOT so skinny -- oops on that one.  Miss Piggy loves European shopping. So does my wife. Miss Piggy makes big sacrifices when it comes right down to true life stuff. So does my wife. Kermit loves Miss Piggy and so does this one to that one. Miss Piggy is a good thing. And so is my wife.

My son "Macaroni" is a tall lanky teenager who actually looks like Beaker. Short orange spikey hair and all. You know, Beaker the one that goes "me me me me me" all the time.  Well that is what Macaroni says too but in a different sort of way -- Me Me Me Me!; he has a rather high opinion of himself. Beaker is a smart unassuming assistant that is kinda quiet (except for the "Me Me Me" part.) and Macaroni also is really smart, very helpful and unassuming and is kinda quiet in normal life situations - home is not normal life, so he isn't quiet at home.

The daughter "Apple" is really similar to Janice. You know who Janice is. She is the cool hip long haired spacey girl in the Muppet band.  Janice likes accessories and so does Apple. Janice is rather independent and so is my teenage daughter. My teenage daughter is proud of her skinny figure and Janice is too. Janice is helpful to the muppet clan and my daughter is really helpful too. Janice smiles alot and so does my daughter.

Cheese is much more similar Gonzo than Kermit and Miss Piggy would care to admit but you really do have to come to grips and actually admit it.  Cheese is very similar to Gonzo. Gonzo is one of the most unique characters ever to cross the muppet stage.  My son is the same way.  Our stage has never been the same since he came into our family. Gonzo likes chickens.  So does our son. He has been known to be associated with his alter ego online as Bongo Chicken - go figure... My son likes KFC (sorry Gonzo... but it is chicken none the less). Gonzo is fun loving and is quite overly dramatic. So is our son.  Everyone likes Gonzo and so it is with my son too.

Whine, she is the youngest of all the muppets in our family. I think she is most like Prairie Dawn.  While not a widely known character, Prairie Dawn would be instantly recognized the moment you saw her.  Prairie Dawn is mostly seen on Sesame Street and not so much on the actual Muppet Show. Prairie Dawn has beautiful blond hair and so does my daughter. She is so loving and kind and tender, just like my daughter. Prairie Dawn is a leader in her own circles and my daughter definitely has her own circles too. Prairie Dawn is artistic; just ask my kitchen refrigerator about the art of my youngest daughter tacked all over it. No lack of talent there.  In fact, Prairie Dawn is often seen being involved in pageants and other artistic endeavors, and of course so is my daughter.

So there you have it.
My view of the family that you have all come to know through this happy sarcastic sometimes irreverent blog.
So long. Kermit the Frog signing off for now....

Politics

Utah Oddity - Politics

In general, I don't like politics.  I vote and do my civic duty, but politics really bug me.  Why?  Because it comes down to who you know and who can scratch your back the best.  This week I've been dealing with a lot of politics. 

Yes, it was voting week this week.  But the politics that have been bugging me is with the high school.  You see, our high school excels in sports and athletics.  But it is all political.  Unless you know the coach or he knows you or the family, there isn't a chance for you.  My son tried out for basketball.  He has been trying since 9th grade.  Our old neighbor happened to be hired as the assistant coach when he was in 9th grade.  I asked him about my son, Macaroni and his chances for the team.  He told me, flat out, that Macaroni didn't have a chance at making the team.  He said that team has been picked since the 3rd grade.  He said Macaroni was a great player, but since the team has already been picked, they won't even look at him.  And they didn't.  He didn't make the team that year. 

Macaroni loves basketball and works on his skills all the time.  He was hoping that this year it would be different.  And it was.  This year, a coach took HIM aside, and told him how great he was playing and how much he has improved his skills, etc.  Then told him that they were not picking any juniors for the team.  Yep, again.  POLITICS!!  But, both Macaroni and I agree, that this is their loss.  They are missing a great example of strength, determination and power.  Macaroni does not give up.  He gives it his all.  That's what I love about that kid.

I remember some political stuff in high school.  But not nearly to the extent of this.  And it's not just in the basketball program.  It's in soccer, football and baseball.  Both boys and girls sports.  I don't know if it happens in other states.  But it's BAD here in Utah.  It's one of the many oddities here.

Kids...can't live with them.....

Chicken Nugget (MSW) - this doesn't sound like a swearword at all. Read the story below.

Since I started this blog, my kids have been more odd than normal. I'm not sure if it's because of me, my sarcasm and this blog, or if it's just their natural age progression and maturity. Maybe it's Oscar who has been rather loud and obnoxious as of late. Doesn't matter why. Any way you look at it, it's pretty funny.

First it was Apple and the word hassle. She still thinks she is hilarious. Then Macaroni chimed in. He thought a swearword should be banana. He was like. That would be great! (saying with attitude and a little swagger) You stupid banana! What, what did you call me?! Yeah, you heard me, you banana! Oh no you didn't! Yes, I did! Let's take this outside!!

Then, this morning, Whine said I should use the work chicken nugget. Why, I have no idea. Basically they are just taking any word and trying to make it sound like a naughty word with their attitude and demeanor. My kids are weird-o's!

Silly chicken nuggets!

Mother of the Year

Momma (MSW) - any expletive you can think of. Examples, son of a momma, Oh momma!, etc...

Today is my day off from work. I only work part-time, but it's a lot to do, work 26 hours, take care of 4 kids and 2 dogs, keep the house clean, get the laundry done, and everything. I have an awesome job. I work as a customer service rep for a contact lens company. The best part is that I work from home. I get to sit around in my pajamas and talk to people through-out the country. I love the company I work for as well. So life is good, right?

Since today is my day off, I try to play catch up from the things I didn't get done previously. You know, get the shopping done, finished folding the last batch of laundry. But today I decided I get the title of Mother of the Year. Why, you may ask?

About 40 minutes ago, my daughter, Whine, called me from school and informed me that she forgot her lunch and wasn't interested in the hot lunch. She had lunch in 10 minutes and could I drop it off at the school? Not too hard, right? Well, I was literally in the shower when she called. I just turned off the water when I heard the phone. I jumped out, sopping wet and naked to answer the phone. (Please don't include a visual of that. It just ain't pretty.) I quickly got dried off, dressed and ran to none other than McDonald's. I showed up at the school with a hot and some what delicious lunch for her (she can afford the calories and fat, she weighs about 40 lbs. and is 8 years old). Of course, I showed up looking like a whack job. I had sweats and t-shirt on with my extremely wet hair pulled back, still dripping on my t-shirt. I could have been a part of a wet t-shirt contest! (Another visual that scares me!) See, I should be mother of the year!

Yesterday, I would have been pet owner of the year. I was working from home, in my comfy home office. It was a nice quiet day. I was curled up in my pajamas, with my bright orange blanket wrapped around me. I was thinking about stealing my kids Halloween candy. It sounded yummy and who needs a diet, right? That's when Oscar's dog comes in and pukes at my feet. I almost hurled right there, but instead threw the dog outside first. See, I'm the pet owner of the year! I cleaned up the mess, while working and talking with a customer and trying not to vomit.

Oh momma! I am mother/pet owner of the year!

Obituaries

Utah Oddity - Obituaries

You know the joke that says obituaries would be so much better if they wrote how the person died? Well, in Utah, that isn't a joke. Most obituaries actually do say how the person passed away.

I'm probably a freak, but I read the obits almost every day. I look for young people and see how they passed. Sometimes it will list a blog detailing their illness. I will go and read it. I will sometimes cry along with them. But it is a Oddity here in Utah because the obituaries are like stories. When I go visit my family in Wisconsin, it is nothing like Utah.

Man, I live in a strange state!

Utah Oddities

I am running out of swearwords! So I am adding Utah Oddities to my blog. Any suggestions for both is much appreciated! Also, I know several people have told me that they cannot post comments on the blog. I hope I corrected that! If you can't post a comment, email me at jpicard@juno.com. Or call and let me know! Thanks people!!

Rock Bottom

Bottom (MSW) - butt, bottom, backside. Some may say a**.

Life is fun, isn't it? It's a roller coaster filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. And sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying. I woke up early yesterday to take the two oldest kids, Macaroni and Apple to school. 6:50 am. Yuck!

I drove down the road and put on my turn signal and then drove right past the road I was supposed to turn on. Yep, I looked at the road, and drove right on thru. Why, you may ask? My brakes didn't work! I pushed on the brakes and nothing. Pushed on them harder and still nothing. And drove right on past my turn. Nothing like a game on chance on the way to school! Finally, they kicked in. I got the kids to school and back luckily. See, life is fun! It was like a game getting to school. Hmm....are we going to drop you off here or down the road?! Let's let the brakes decide! You just have to laugh!

I can look at the bright side of things usually. Especially this time. Because today our family is headed to St. George for the weekend. We leave tonight. What if this had happened on the freeway? In the canyon that we drive thru? Scary! Someone is definitely looking out for us. See, life is good. Just a couple hundred dollars of car trouble. It's not rock bottom!

What have I done?!

Hassle (MSW) - my daughter said this is the word she uses when she wants to swear at someone.  It sounds naughty if you just hear it said in passing.

I made a huge mistake. No, having children was not the mistake.  (At least today!)  But the attitude of the kids is all my fault.  You see, my wit and sarcastic perspective has passed on to the two oldest.  I am horrified!  Yesterday Apple was messing with the dogs.  She said, "Rufus, you're such a hassle!"  I looked at her and said "What did you say?!"  I thought she said something else.  Let's just say that I didn't hear the word hassle, I thought it was something else.  She said that is her new favorite word cause it sounded naughty. 

Help, I created a monster!

The Dog

Fetch (MSW) - no, not fetch, like go get it doggie.  This is a common Mormon swearword in Utah.  I think it's supposed to be the queen mother swearword for Mormon's.

You remember how I told you about my dogs?  Well, I think something is wrong with my older dog.

Patches

A couple months ago, my dog started acting weird.  This little puppy (the dog is 11 yrs old) sleeps next to our bed on his "bed."  This "bed" is one that he stole from his doggie cousin, Jake.  When Jake comes to visit, Patches won't let him use his bed.  It must be an alpha male thing.  So, last time Jake was here, my sister, Rocky Mountain High, gave my dog Jake's bed.  Anyway, back to the story.

At 2 am one morning, he sat next to the bed and started to whine at me.  I woke up to this black head staring at me.  Scared the snot out of me!  I figured he needed to go out, so I woke up and let him out.  I let him back in a few minutes later and tried to go back to bed.  Again, he sat there staring at me and letting out some soft cries.  "Lassie, did Timmie fall down the well?!"  That's all I could think of.  What the heck was wrong?  I let him out again and checked the house, etc.  Nothing was wrong.  He just kept doing that.  You know what he wanted?  To sleep up on the bed with me and Oscar.  Not going to happen!

The next morning, after Oscar left for work, the dog jumped on the bed and took Oscar's "spot."  He usually does go up on the bed after Oscar leaves, but just on the end of the bed.  This time, he was on the bed, laying his head on Oscar's pillow.  The whole nine yards.  I think the dog thinks he's a human.  He has been very needy lately.  Anytime I sit down, he sits next to me on the floor and uses his nose to hit my hand.  He wants me to pet him.  All the time.  Constant attention!  "I will love him and pet him and name him George."  (name that movie/cartoon!)  He's becoming worse than the kids!

Ah, fetch!

This stinks!

Stinks (MSW) - sucks or anything else you can think of.

On Monday it was so hot I used the air conditioning.  Yesterday it was so cold I turned on the heat.  We went from 80-90 degree days to 50 degree days.  It STINKS!  There is something so wrong about using the heater and the air conditioner in the same week.  Wrong I tell you!

Depression is a .....

Mother Hugger (MSW) - this could be the queen mother swearword.  I heard it this morning on the radio and it was a little naughty and very sarcastic, so it brightened my day!

Let me tell you a little about myself.  I was born a poor black child....(name that movie!).  Ok, not really.  I was born into a middle class American family whom I love dearly.  We all inherit things from the generations before us.  I inherited my fair skin and blonde hair from Mr. Incredible.  My sense of humor from Mommy Dearest.  And my severe depression from someone along the line.  Yep, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was diagnosed with severe depression. 

Shortly after Apple was born, my doctor looked at me and said, "It sounds like your depressed."  I looked at her like she was nuts and didn't think about it again.  Until one day, I cried because the TV broke.  The dumbest reason to cry.  I had a fender bender that morning (there wasn't any damage at all, so no big deal).  The TV broke that night and I cried for 2 days.  I went back to the doctor for some tests.  They have a score sheet on the tests with 20 being moderately depressed.  It goes up to 100 I think.  I scored an 80.  Hmm....maybe there was a problem.

The week started out great, the weather was beautiful.  In the 80's with plenty of sunshine.  Then 2 days ago, it got cloudy and windy.  This morning it was 50 and rainy.  That just doesn't help my depression!  I am also extremely hormonal, so another strike against me.  The final strike is my sister, Kiwi Chick, and her daughter are visiting my parents.  I want to visit them!  Cue the tears!!

But, I'm not going to start a pity party.  To "restart" my attitude, today I will do some service.  That is the best cure when you're depressed.  I will make my pork roast and mashed potatoes for my dinner group.  Nothing like a little comfort food to help with depression (a big no-no!).  Then I will serve my family by defrosting my freezer in the basement.  This, along with my medicine, B-12 shots and vitamin D will keep the wallowing at bay.

Depression can totally suck, but lets face it, that's life.  Life is hard.  Get over it!  We all have our struggles, whether it's physically, mentally, emotionally or financially.  We learn to deal with them and move on.  I deal with my depression and do pretty well. 

Even this morning, life was looking up.  I had a piece of lemon crumb cake.  I was not drowning my sorrows with food!  No!  The lemon-y goodness brightens my palette, therefore brightening my mood, my thoughts, my soul, my....yea, even I don't believe that.  I couldn't write that with a straight face!  I will be better!  I promise!

Introducing.....

*sigh* (MSW) - this is a physical swearword.  the physical act of sighing.  this is the favorite "swearword" of my father.

I want to introduce you to my Dad, Mr. Incredible.  I named him so for many reasons.  First of all, he is the most incredible man I know.  The fact that he put up with me for so many years is an incredible feat of itself!

Growing up, he never really swore a lot.  He would when he was telling a joke or a story.  But overall, not a man of many words.  But if he would sigh, he was upset.  You knew he was angry if he let out a sigh.  If he did it twice, just get out of his way.  Run, children, run away!  He never yelled or got angry.  He would just sigh.  It takes a strong and courageous man to never yell.  He was always calm, cool and collected.  He would just sigh.  So, to me, he is incredible.

As a child, I sang constantly.  In the car, at the table, watching TV, I sang.  I sang in my room, outside, and on vacations.  The poor guy never got away from it!  Yet, he never screamed "SHUT UP!!"  And let's face it, he should have.  I totally deserved it.  My daughter, Whine, is just like me.  She just talks constantly.  I will often just say "be quiet, you're driving me nuts!"

So my dad is Mr. Incredible.  He took care of us and put up with us.  He worked hard to provide our family with the things he didn't have.  And he didn't stop when we left and got a home of our own.   A few months ago, I called my parents during the day.  When I called them, they were looking through a catalog of kitchen supplies.  My mom saw some pots and pans and said, "Big Bird's pots and pans are awful."   She said that, just making a comment and didn't think twice about it. Then I called.  About 15 minutes into the phone call, my mom, Mommy Dearest, gasped and said, "You didn't!"  I asked what she was talking about.  Mr. Incredible, while we were talking, ordered the set of pans and had them delivered to my house.  Still taking care of me when I'm 40ish years old!  Mr. Incredible indeed!

I love you dad!  You're the best ever!

Left to right:  Uncle Awesome, my brother and sister-in-law (I have to think of names for them) and Mr. Incredible